I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
