He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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