Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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