i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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