Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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