there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
