First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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