Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
