i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
