I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I checked into jail on foursquare
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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