It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
