nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
