I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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