its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
