Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
