I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
