So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
