I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
