I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
