I CAN MOONWALK!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
