remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
