Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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