This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
