I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
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