my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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