My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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