I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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