I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
