Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
