i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
