the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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