dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
