i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
