I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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