Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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