Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I would ride that face into the sunset
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
