dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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