I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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