I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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