you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
