I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
