the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
