I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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