Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
