I met the friendliest cop last night
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
