it hurts more in the daytime
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
