I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
