I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
