Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
