Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
