I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
