it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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