You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
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