you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
